Teachbroeck

I am trying really hard NOT to entertain the wicked thoughts of 2 children under 2 in my mind right now. We did not want to have another child...and if I did it would be years from now.



Last year at this time I was crying because I wasn't pregnant. Now I am trying not to think that I COULD be.



I am not breastfeeding. It was been almost 9 weeks since I had a period. I wasn't concerned until I called to schedule my IUC Monday and the nurse paused when I told her I hadn't had one. Apparently it is easier to insert the IUC during your period....then she asked THE QUESTION



IS IT POSSIBLE YOU ARE PREGNANT?



NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! NO WAY NO HOW~



Well there was that ONE time 4 weeks after H was born we cheated a bit.



And sometimes we cheat before we pack the plastic.



And the secretary at my shcool has a son with a 2 yr old and a 1 yr old and his wife is 38 and got her tubes tied..GUESS WHAT PREGNANT again! But they are pharmacists so money is no issue (words taken from his mother)



I really had not thought about it at all..being all busy with motherhood and all...but now the nurse has planted a seed of doubt in my mind.



I am trying hard not to sound terribly selfish here...but I was not cut out to be a mother of 2 small children...ask anyone I am the first to admit it. I truly admire those mom's with babies and toddlers but I am not good at it. I have minor bouts OCD (I can't have laundry in the basket...I wash it everyday...if more than 3 bottles are dirty I have to wash them and have them all ready to go) with one baby I can handle all that and not feel bad. Plus Baby J gets most my attention with special times during the day for K dog...yesterday we made muffins together, Monday we played tattoo shop.



Ahhh these are just mindless ramblings I can't hold in anymore and don't feel ready to talk about with people.



We can't afford 2 kids in daycare.



I am not ready to be pregnant again.



Everyone says once you accept it it will all be fine...I am not sure I can deal with it.



HOW UNFAIR to Baby J who is 2 months old for c!&#$ sake.



I am scared. I am not even going to take a pregnancy test. I am sure they will Friday before they put in the IUC.



Please understand I know couples all over the world and right here on my blog would do anything to get pregnant. anything. Trust me I was there just a year ago. But the point of my blog is to express my emotions and celebrations and worries...today I worry. Forgive me if any of it comes off as insensitive. I am just overwhelmed with the range of thoughts racing through my mind right now....hopefully writing here will let me let some of it go and I can enjoy my kids today.